I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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