I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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