he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
