i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
