i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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