Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
