i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i think my cat just said my name.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
