...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
