Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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