i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
