I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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