Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
there is puke in my bra ... again
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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