If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
