Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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