I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
