he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
