I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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