I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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