this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
