They should really pass out barf bags in church
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
