I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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