I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
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He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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