so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
