I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just want to make out with him forever
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Randomize
