Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
