By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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