If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
