I accidentally had phone sex last night
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
