trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
