i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
