Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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