Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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