you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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