the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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