how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
