We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
