Got a toothbrush?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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