never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
