it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
time to smoke my breakfast
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I need to align my fucking chakras
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
