I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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