I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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