3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
