i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize