He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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