Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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