I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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