you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
