the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
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It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
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Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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