You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
