I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
