Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
