fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
