hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
