Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
