Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
